On Beauty

reflections of a mother and daughter

I asked my mother when she first recalled feeling beautiful. What was that moment like? What was she wearing? Why was my follow up question about her appearance?

She took out these pictures from the 90s. One day, she had decided to get dressed up with a friend and go to a studio to take pictures. She doesn’t quite remember how that happened in the first place. Thinking of my mother — I find it surprising she even did that for herself. She rarely does that now, always putting everyone else first.

As a photographer, I sometimes wonder what images my future kids will ask me about one day. On a random afternoon, I saw a sliver of light shining into our guest bathroom and I ran in to setup my film camera hoping this last minute idea for a self portrait materialized before the clouds moved.

The pictures spark memories of my childhood. I often flipped through photo albums back then, finding pictures of my mother smiling, each image held between self adhesive pages. As I asked my mom about what she wore, who did her hair and makeup, she would smile and recall with glee that spur of the moment afternoon.

I start to think of when I first recalled feeling beautiful. I don’t think the concept of beauty entered my mind until I was older. And up until my adult life (thankfully) I never tied the concept to what I wore. As I grew increasingly aware of what I put in and on my body, it begs the question — when did my point of view on beauty become so narrow?

Part of me relishes the fact that I can’t quite pinpoint it, but another part of me gets really sad recalling all the moments where I didn’t feel beautiful, where I look back on a picture from a few years ago and think “who let me look like that?” I’m happy that the Ofelia in that picture can’t hear me now because I know she’d be hurt.

I can vividly recall having a really good day in each of these outfits. While I might not exactly replicate the same outfits today, some of these items are still in my closet.

Then I recall there were greater trials and tribulations that I was wrestling with during those years. I was trying not to drown in my own lack of self worth and love that was not due to my clothes but rather due to struggling to love myself. I had come to the realization that my partner of 5 years wasn’t the one. I was uninspired by my career. So much felt like it was crashing all around me and though I tried to will all the change I wanted into existence, I’d soon come to find out life doesn’t really work that way. Many years later, I know that those formative years fostered an environment where I learned to love myself for myself, learn to dress for myself and exist in a world where beauty standards are in what feels like a perpetual war with women.

I come back to my conversation with my mother and how it sparked all these thoughts within me — how I hope that I never look back and question why I wore what I wore but rather that I smile knowing I was doing my best and wearing what brought me joy or comfort in that moment. I hope I look back and recall the memories of the moment alongside an outfit I once loved and not gawk in disbelief that I ever thought it was acceptable to wear something like that. I hope that when I look back on an image, I remember with glee a positive memory attached to what I was wearing, who I was with and really, just how much I’ve grown since then.

In 2022, I recall desperately wanting a black blazer. I found this blazer from Mango that scratched the itch until it started unraveling. Who knew buying from Mango wasn’t for longevity? It may be hard to believe, but I actually didn’t at the time — so much has changed in 3 years. Nonetheless, I remember feeling so chic in both of these outfits. We were in San Miguel de Allende to finalize wedding details and celebrate my birthday.

We often want to arrive at a place of happiness, but I’ve learned that happiness passes us by if we’re constantly criticizing and worrying about what was, what will be or god forbid, what people might think. This is all easier said than done of course — I’d be foolish to think that life is an upward, never ending hill that just keeps getting better. In reality, it’s a valley you climb up and down as life moves ever onward.

It’s not lost on me that I write about style and often incite the idea of wanting more, but I hope that with each article there are moments of reflection that cause you to pause and take away what resonates for you.

I hope today, tomorrow and years from now we are all kinder to our present, past and future selves.

---

Thank you for indulging me in a self reflective essay on beauty, self love and kindness. Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your loved ones.

xx Ofelia

If you liked this, you might also like the following: