I’ve Been Keeping A Secret
and it involves a one way flight to Paris
If you’re reading this at the time of release, I’m cruising at 30,000 feet above the ground on a one way flight into the biggest life decision I’ve ever made. My husband and I have sold most of our belongings and are moving across the Atlantic to pursue a different life in Paris.
You may have picked up on a shift in some of my posts — I’ve mentioned lots of endings and beginnings, lots of our friend’s moving and talking about how different life would be next summer. Apologies for keeping such a big secret, but I wasn’t quite ready to share. It’s been a grueling 8 months of preparation that has culminated in living out of suitcases since we moved out of our first home in August. A lot of change. So how did we get here?
Two and a half years ago, my husband and I were in the middle of wedding planning when our wedding planner asked us what we were going to do for our honeymoon. We turned to each other and smiled before returning our gaze to the zoom call. We told her we’d be taking advantage of a work sabbatical and traveling the world for 4 months. My husband and I met at work and one of the perks we had was earning a sabbatical after 5 years of tenure at the company. Life was good, we were mere months away from qualifying for our sabbatical adventure. Life was better than good, we were getting married, we’d just bought our first house and I had just received a promotion at work — a goal I had spent the pandemic working hard towards while working a full time job and taking a part time coding boot camp to become a software engineer. Everything was falling into place. Until it wasn’t.
Two days after my five year work anniversary, we received another dreaded company layoff announcement. My husband and I had survived layoffs 6 months prior so we thought we’d surely make it through this time. I was naive — my husband was a highly regarded engineering lead on his team — surely his fiancée would be safe by proxy, right?
We sat and waited. Our company opted for the “you’ll receive an email telling you if you made the cut” method. My husband quickly got an email — he was safe. We took a collective breath at home and waited for what we assumed would be the same news for me. What felt like an eternity later, I got the news I wasn’t prepared for — I was laid off effective immediately.
It was my first and unfortunately not the last layoff I’d experience in the next year. After the shock wore off, I sobbed. This was a gut wrenching new experience that I was woefully unprepared for. I thought I had done everything right — I helped build the first Employee Resource Group, I was used as a diversity candidate on the About Us page, I was their success story of career progression — but at the end of the day, I was also just a number.
In the weeks after the layoff, I cried on and off to my husband (fiancé at the time) and vividly remember laying in bed one night then suddenly turning to him and asking in my croaky post-cry voice “is this how life is supposed to be?”
He paused for a second, thinking it over before he turned to me, smiled and wiped the tears that continued to run down my cheeks — “we can live any life we can dream of.” I stared back at him as the thought sank in. “We don’t even have to live in this house or this city, or even this continent!” He continued getting more animated with each breath. Whether we knew it or not at the time, that moment of pillow talk therapy set off a snowball of momentum that has transformed our lives dramatically over the past few years.
Time passed and I got another job, we got married, things stabilized — but that spark of potential change never left us. A couple months after our wedding, we were hit with yet another life change — the job I had just landed 6 months prior was having its own round of layoffs. This time I laughed, and smiled. I felt stronger this time around, I made my peace with the situation quickly. It almost felt like the universe was pushing us to make a change. All of a sudden, the pillow talk dream of new lives in a new continent began to firmly take root.
As we started exploring the idea of moving, we knew right away we’d want a walkable city. We loved Austin but were sick of spending so much time in a car. The pickings were slim in the US. We talked about New York (still possible some day), Seattle (too rainy), and Chicago (too cold). And then my husband went a little more out of the box — “what about Paris!?”. If I’m being honest, I fought the idea initially. My parents live in the PNW, that’s a 10-12 hour journey of just flying. When would I see them? As someone who was used to flying to see my parents every 3-4 months, it seemed impossible.
Although the second layoff didn’t hit as hard, I still felt pretty depressed about my career trajectory in general. The very thing I spent 6 months of the pandemic studying for was no longer fun. I felt like a failure, like I wasn’t good enough. Even with my husband constantly reminding me that it’s ok to try things and change your mind, it was still deflating at the time.
Changing your mind doesn’t make you a failure, I know that now — it just means you ultimately decided to move in a different direction. There is beauty in trying — regardless of if you succeed or “fail.” Better to live knowing you had the courage to try than living with the guilt of not taking that first step into the unknown.
Speaking of the unknown, the idea of Paris started to sound plausible the more we discussed it. We started to dream of the cafes, the metro rides, the museums, the new friends, the terrifying and awe inspiring nature of wading into a new adventure together. We even talked about the possibility of a baby accompanying us on this adventure knowing I would be safer in a French hospital if any complications occurred, something I cannot say for certain if we decided to stay in Texas —apparently a lot of OBGYNs are also leaving. For added context, my OBGYN that I’ve been seeing for 6+ years has a year long wait for most appointments.
We started telling our friends of our goal to move — in some ways trying to will it into existence even as we continued to take steps towards making it a reality. My husband spent the better part of a year getting his French documentation in order for our marriage to be recognized by France. Finally, 14 months later, our battle with the bureaucracy was done and our French marriage certificate and livre de famille (family book) arrived. It was a sign of the possibilities ahead as we forged towards starting our life across the world.
Documentation completed, what ensued was a grueling 4 months of going through every single item in our home and a spree of selling, donating and emotionally saying goodbye to the things we thought we’d have for many years to come. Our couch was the last to go, and while it sounds so silly to be sad about a couch, we laughed, cried, watched movies, hosted friends and made so many plans on that piece of furniture. Looking back, that couch represented the comfortable life we had built and ultimately decided to move away from. I guess it will always be hard to say goodbye — change is scary.
I am currently crying at the airport, equally excited and terrified (okay, mostly excited). Crying because it’s the most terrifying yet liberating thing I’ve ever done. The unknowns seemed (and kinda still feel) insurmountable. But I know the sadness will subside and the excitement will come rushing back as life inevitably, persistently, whether we like it or not — moves forward. As my husband and I like to say, there is a train and you can either get on it, or watch it pass you by. This time around, we took a leap of faith onboard.
While we don’t intend on this being permanent (even though my husband secretly hopes it is), there is currently no return date. Even though we’ve been talking about this for years and we’ve actively chosen this, it doesn't make it any easier. It’s bittersweet — fear of the unknown is something I’m still coming to terms with. A version of me that once existed is still slowly morphing and making space for someone new to bloom.
I feel like I’m breathing new life into my soul and know the next year will be transformative on many levels. I thought I was being brave leaving for college to the Midwest at 18, but moving across the world in my 30s is the wildest dream I’d never let myself dream, until now.
I’ve been looking back on old photos recently. Life seemed so simple, blissfully unaware of how much things would change in the following years. I was just a girl getting to know herself, even though she thought she had it all figured out, not knowing that one day I’d be on a one way flight to a whole new world. With our belongings in our suitcases and a pallet full of our “must go” items on a ship that will soon be on the Atlantic Ocean making their way to meet us.
I’ll leave you with this: it is never too late to start over, move across the country (or world!), start a new hobby, career, or passion project. Your life is a reflection of what you believe to be true. If I’ve learned anything through all this — it’s not to confuse transformation in life for destruction. If you’re struggling, keep going. When the fire of change subsides, new life will bloom.
I truly feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Not only because I get to embark on this adventure with my husband but because beyond the terrifying feelings and anxiety it is enthralling that I broke a cycle. I thought I would be “pulling myself up from the bootstraps” for life but for the first time in my life I do not care to climb a ladder. I’ve made myself sick from stress and I’m ready to allow myself to breathe a little easier with each day. I don’t know what the future has in store for me, for now I’m lucky enough to have some time to decide what I want to do next — stay tuned!
If you have any advice, encouragement or ways you’ve coped with moving far away from family, please send them my way. I am going to need them. On a lighter note, I promise not to make my entire personality about Paris but I am excited to discover new brands, be in a shopping Mecca and rank my favorite croissants across town.
If you have questions about our move, feel free to comment below or DM me. If you’re interested in specific topics, I’d be happy to answer them. If there is enough interest, I can do a future newsletter on moving — as far as I’m concerned we are all moving to Paris in this newsletter because I’m taking you along with me.
As I reflect on this incredible year, I’m eternally grateful for each and every one of you. You’ve made this space more enjoyable for me to write and share what I’m loving, wearing and thinking. Thank you for letting me do that. I wish you the most prosperous 2025 and may your wildest, most unimaginable dreams come true.
xx Ofelia
I’m so excited for your Paris era and can’t wait to follow along!! x
This is beautifully written Ofelia! 💗